Everyone knows by now that Pope Francis likes to call up unsuspecting people on the phone and make their day.
This warm and personal pastoral technique also seems to have made quite the day for a number of liberal Catholic commentators and secular media pundits, whose long hours of theological study have led them to the reasonable conclusion that dialing the number of a middle-aged divorcée in South America fundamentally alters the foundations of the Church’s moral teaching.
Because sure, why not.
But my main concern with all of this was a more pressing one – Pope Francis was probably never going to get around to calling me. The simple fact is, my last name banishes me to the nether regions of the phone book, and there’s just no way he’d ever get that far.
But then it dawned on me…Pope Francis probably uses a phone book that’s in Spanish! All of a sudden things were looking much rosier for Juan Blanco, and when I realized that the Vatican phone book might even be in Latin, then I really got excited. It couldn’t be long before a certain finger wearing the Fisherman’s Ring settled over the tiny printed name of your faithful servant, Ioannes Albus.
So I’m ready for the call. Nervous, yeah, but ready.
And I have a list of questions for the Holy Father:
Does the Vatican really have a phone book of all Catholics? Did you get it from that IRS lady who works for Obama?
Do you totally love it when liberal Catholics use you as a tool to cause more division in the Church by pretending that you are an enemy of orthodox, practicing Catholics? Hmm, not really? You think it’s a self-serving and childish perversion of what you are actually preaching? Can I put that on my Facebook page?
Since you apparently won’t be using the papal apartments, are they for rent? How much? Washer/dryer?
They say the double canonization of John XXIII and John Paul II was a sneaky effort on your part to unite a divided Church, but be honest – which one of them would win in a fight?
If all our prayers get answered, why am I not touring Narnia with ZZ Top right now?
Is it true some of the cardinals were using performance enhancing drugs during the conclave?
Seriously, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
Now that you are the head of a sovereign country, do you ever think about declaring war on Canada?
Have you ever been tempted to just run across St. Peter’s Square with a phone to your ear shouting “Oh no! Oh no!” – just as a joke?
Will the upcoming Extraordinary Synod on the Family address the specific concerns of my family, like the proper pronunciation of the words “coupon” and “syrup”?
If not, can you just tell me now on the phone, so I know if my wife is leading the kids into heresy?
I’m waiting for the call, your Holiness.
Oh yeah – and if you call and one of the kids answers, just tell them to come and get me. I’m probably
in the bathroom mowing the lawn trying to swallow a peanut butter sandwich too fast reading Evangelii Gaudium.