Responding to a nationwide call to punish the state of Indiana for its recent attempt to protect religious freedom, the neighboring state of Illinois has sued Indiana in federal court for assault and battery.
In a press conference this morning, Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan explained that the lawsuit seeks both monetary and injunctive relief for “almost two hundred years of inappropriate touching and unwelcome advances perpetrated against the state of Illinois by the state of Indiana.”
When asked for evidence of the alleged assault, Madigan displayed a map of the Midwest. “I mean, just look. Look at how Indiana is all over Illinois in a totally uncalled for and creepy way. It’s also discrimination because Illinois is the only state that Indiana is touching like that. See? Ever since 1818 when Illinois became a state, Indiana has been sneaking up behind us and hugging us without asking. The hate has to stop now.”
Madigan stated that Illinois, with the help of the Obama administration, is seeking a restraining order that would require Indiana to remain at least one hundred miles away from Illinois at all times. “Either that or $50 million, whatever is easier,” clarified Madigan. “To be honest, we could really use the money here in Illinois. We’re pretty much bankrupt.”
While Illinois maintains that the legal action is intended to address a longstanding grievance, an anonymous source within the Illinois governor’s office (we’ll call him “Garth”) has suggested that there may be more behind the lawsuit.
“This has nothing to do with assault,” claimed Garth. “This is all about Illinois jumping on that whole pizza fiasco bandwagon and seeing an opportunity to get in some punches on Indiana. The idea is make Indiana pay at all costs, even if it means bringing trumped up allegations. I know states don’t really have a sexual orientation, but if they did, Illinois would be pretty gay, or at least bi-curious. And Indiana, they’d be way more Christian-conservative than gay. So that explains part of the motivation too, I guess. By the way, do you think Pizza Fiasco Bandwagon would be a good name for my 70’s funk band?”
Yes, Garth, it would.
Meanwhile, Indiana is expected to respond to the lawsuit shortly. When asked for comment, Indiana Governor Mike Pence was adamant. “We’re going to fight this thing all the way,” Pence declared. “Or maybe not. Maybe we’ll just cave in and move to Ohio.”
Pizza Fiasco Bandwagon playing at the Lake County Fair